How To Get Your Needs Met And Stop Being A People Pleaser
Learn why asking for what you need can feel hard and what you can do to stop being a people pleaser.
I was writing a list of reminders to myself in my Notes app when I asked for a need to be met by someone this week and, as I nervewrackingly waited for their response, I felt those old familiar feelings of fear, shame and sadness come up.
Writing out specific reminders for yourself is a great way to practice self-parenting, a concept born from the idea that YOU are actually are the best person to give yourself the specific type of nurturing you crave and deserve.
Your needs are valid
Asking for what we need is so so hard for so many of us, women especially. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. These feelings dont come from nowhere — they are often a norm perpetuated and reinforced by our society. Many tell themselves that they’re asking for too much at times. They tell themselves that those they are communicating with can’t handle it. The fear may sound like: ‘If I ask, they’ll leave, they’ll throw up their hands and say: sorry, it’s just too much. Actually, now that I think about it, you’re too much.’
For some of us, asking for our needs can feel like the ultimate leap of faith. Like diving into an abyss with no assurance that someone or something will break your fall. Or worse, that what lies below will attack you, suggesting that you should’ve stayed on that ledge, peering in cautiously instead of jumping in with both feet.
It’s important to remember — there is always the potential for the person you have the request for to say no. There is always the potential for the person to not only say no but to make a judgment on the ask: ‘You’re being unreasonable,’ they might say. Perhaps they’re right. Perhaps, they just have a need that is direct conflict with yours. Perhaps it’s both.
What if we allowed it all to be true? That our needs are valid, in the same way that all of our feelings are valid, but that doesn’t mean we will always get them met by the people we wish to meet them.
you’re not needy, you have needs
I notice women preemptively judge their needs often. I notice this because I repeat the phrase, “you’re not needy, you have needs” more often than I’d like to in my professional life. I witness women calling their legitimate feelings and needs selfish, dramatic, and overly sensitive constantly. I ask them: when’s the first time you were called dramatic? Rarely, do they remember, it’s been a common refrain for such a long time.
This much is clear: no one wants to be labeled the dreaded stage 5-clinger in someone else’s story, the girl deemed needy, dramatic or, perhaps the most dreaded, crazy. How many women have been told on dates about how crazy the person’s ex was? How often does that become an unspoken warning for them: don’t you be crazy, too. I’ve seen time and time again women subjugate their needs for the fear of being yet another woman preemptively deemed too much.
The “Cool Girl”
One of my favorite parts of being a therapist is being trained to listen not only to what people say but also to question what gets left unsaid. Take a single scroll on the dating apps and you’ll see a series of profiles stating a variation on the same theme: “No drama,” “Chill vibes only.” Who wants drama, I wonder? And how often is drama conflated with the idea of a person having the desire for transparency, effort, communication, or authenticity?
I think that’s why Gillian Flynn’s passage on “The Cool Girl” from Gone Girl gets shared. It resonated with so many that feel like, in order to foster meaningful connections, performing the role of the Cool Girl aka the girl with no needs is necessary. How often is “Cool Girl” actually a code for woman without needs that are in direct conflict with someone’s desire to remain low effort, confused or unwilling to be open about what they actually desire? For as many women I work with around rejecting the idea that their needs are too needy, I work with just as many men in practicing and owning the phrase, “I dont know what I want” or “I am only looking for something casual” instead of the ever-tempting silent method to avoid any potential for conflict.
Sometimes I wonder — how often is the myth of The Cool Girl actually a dangling carrot for women to settle for less than they deserve? The Cool Girl, a pseudonym for an empty container, a projection of who your partner needs you to be, the thing you think you’re supposed to be, instead of who you fundamentally are.
One thing that’s helped me reject the desire to be The Cool Girl in my relationships is the self-parenting that I know I need due to old wounds. Having difficulty getting your needs met, asking for your needs to be met, communicating those needs to another doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s a societal difficulty, a familial difficulty, a gendered difficulty, a symptom of a mental illness or trauma or a fun combo of all. It’s the judgment we place on ourselves that makes allowing the need to exist just as it is so very difficult.
I should say — I am not speaking to the people who walk through the world feeling like: “You know what? Fuck em!” and actually feel that sentiment deep in their bones. Those people I’ve always looked at with quizzical admiration and thought: ‘how do they do that? How do they feel that?’ I must’ve missed that day in school where we learned to not internalize other people’s bullshit. I’m talking to the people pleasers, those that want to stop being a people pleaser, the people who don’t want to rock the boat, the people who think the more they shrink themselves, the more worthy they become. I’m talking to the people who have the automatic desire to appeal to the masses, instead of a select group of folks. I’m talking to the people who want everyone to like them, even when they don’t like everyone. You people are my people and we are on this journey together.
It takes practice to stop being a people pleaser
So, how do you stop being a people pleaser and break out from the fear of asking for your needs?
First, remind yourself that your needs are valid without the affirmation of another. This is a difficult but imperative first step. Ask yourself: What would it look like for you to validate your own need? To say to yourself: ‘yep, that’s a legitimate need, even if it can’t get met by this particular person.’ This self-affirmation is especially hard when trauma is present. If you grew up with, not only a lack of affirmation around your needs and feelings, but also being attacked or invalidated whenever you communicated a need that was in conflict with your family member’s preference or capacity, the first and best place to start is unlearning the judgment, gaslighting and invalidation happening within your own mind.
Then, get up the courage to ask. This requires good ole fashioned bravery and a tolerance for the possibility that you may not get what you’re after.
Not getting what you want or need doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have had the need in the first place. Let me say that again. Not getting what you want or need doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have had the need in the first time.
To my people who self-gaslight: internalize that concept for a moment and commit to unlearning the idea that you need to trick your way to being loved and cared for. Unlearn the concept that the less needs you have, the more worthy you are. This may require you to reject your scarcity mindset - that feeling of: if I can’t get what I need from THIS person, that means I will never get what I need from anyone. (If you struggle with anxiety or depression, this may be your “global thinking” or “catastrophizing” and it’s just another way we lie to tell ourselves when we’re scared or sad.)
Self-regulate. Meaning, after you ask for a need, emotions will come up. Fear, shame, worry, sadness, an intense desire to reject someone before you get rejected, whatever it is. My shared list of reminders helps me personally self-regulate. It’s a practice of self-nurturing when you’re in a heightened emotionally vulnerable state. What reassurances would you want to hear from your idea of an ideal caregiver? What do you know to be true even if it’s hard to remember it when you get scared? Jot some ideas down. These will be the words that ground you as you practice this and sit in the uncertainty of the people and the things you cannot control.
Wait and breathe. Don’t run from the feelings, don’t walk it back. It’s the same feeling when you state your fee (if you’re an independent contractor) or ask for a raise. Ask and then breathe, they tell you. Don’t qualify it, don’t minimize, resist the urge to fill the silence. Just say it confidently and wait for a response. Dont say sorry, don’t minimize it when you get scared. Just wait.
Celebrate. Regardless of the response, you did something brave, vulnerable, authentic and true to you. The person may not be able to meet you there. They may not be able to give you the thing you want or need. In that case, no one has done anything wrong necessarily. Can you instead look at it as two people, simply not being on the same page? Judgment rears its ugly head here. You may say to yourself: ‘Was that too much?’ Or ‘Ugh I shouldn’t have said anything.’ Nope. Less communication is rarely the answer that centers your authenticity. Congratulate yourself for your efficiency if nothing else. You led with your needs and were able to get a sense of where the other person was at. This clarity can takes years in relationships when needs aren’t at the forefront, believe me. Sometimes two peoples’ needs line up beautifully. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it takes a little bit of elbow grease - if both people are willing and have the capacity for that work. Maybe it’s no one’s fault. It just is. Can you believe that to be the truth instead of whatever story you’ve been telling yourself?
Listen to the other persons’ needs if they are willing and able to communicate them with clarity. Remember, it is not your job to act as the translator for someone who only wishes to communicate in hieroglyphics. That’s their work, babe.
Unlearn your black and white thinking: There are one million more options than either (1) you get you needs met OR (2) they get their needs met. Where are your areas of flexibility? Where are there’s? Do not hear a no when it’s not a no. Do not hear a yes just because you want it to be a yes. Most often, it’s usually a maybe - seek to better understand that maybe.
Take note of anyone that makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed for having needs. Whether or not they are behaving this way intentionally does not matter. Do not co-sign to their reality just because it matches the meanest voice in your head. Remind yourself of times that you communicated a need and someone in your life was able to validate it. Remind yourself of the people in your life who are able to show up for you in the way you need. Surround yourself with more of those people.
Are you wanting to stop being a people pleaser and start asking for your needs? Give some or all of these steps a try let me know your struggles and successes.
I promise, this gets easier with practice even though this practice may never feel 100% low stakes for you.
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