Say No More Often And More Confidently

I had an experience this week that reminded me of the power that can come from saying no.

Learning how to say no is a lesson that’s taken years to practice but every time I do it, I’m met with an incredible feeling of empowerment and self-assuredness.

As women, we are often taught to go with the flow for fear of being labeled difficult, bitchy or dramatic. With that fear, we can often find ourselves in situations that are not good for us, compromising or worse, dangerous to our sense of self and our true values.

I write from a privileged place of being my own boss and being able to say yes only to projects that truly feed my soul and are aligned with my values.

And yet, it hasn’t always been that way. I, too, know that special hell that comes from dissociating from yourself or denying your needs in order to get through something that doesn’t feel true to you.

The simple fact is that not everyone has the privilege of saying no, especially at their job or within their relationship which is often imperative to a woman’s survival and status in the world.

Why It Can be So Hard To Say No

Despite the privilege I carry, I have said yes when I’ve wanted to say no for the following reasons:

to be seen as a team player
to stay on my boss’s good side for fear of the bad side
to conform to a company’s ethos
to not come off as difficult or dramatic
to maintain my standing at a company
to not be the only one saying no
with the hope that if I keep saying yes, I will eventually get whatever the thing is that I want

How to say no more often and more confidently:

Trust your gut. If there’s something off about a comment made, a situation you’ve found yourself in or a task that’s been requested of you, take some time to reflect. Talk it out with someone you trust and respect but take any counsel with a grain of salt. Everyone’s worldview comes with their own baggage and biases.
Understand the other person’s motive for the request or treatment. Often, it’s not about you. If you have a tendency to self-blame: ask yourself: what’s another reason I’m being asked to do this or being treated like this?
Be aware of what gaslighting looks like. If you grew up with gaslighting, you’re going be triggered. The feeling will feel familiar and weirdly personal.
Challenge your all-or-nothing thinking. Saying yes or saying no are often not the only two options. Ask yourself: what would it look like to enforce a small boundary as a way to practice saying no? Maybe it’s looks like, “Yes, I am able to this time but in the future…”
Reality test. Literally ask yourself: how likely is it that I get fired if I say no? How likely is it that this relationship will end it I say no? What are the risks at play? Sometimes people-pleasing comes so automatically that we’re halfway into the journey before realizing that, not only have we strayed from our values but, what’s worse is that we didn’t need to.
Check your messaging. Is there a way to say no that is still positive, professional and diplomatic? How about this:
“Thank you so much for thinking of me for this opportunity. Unfortunately I don’t have the bandwidth right now but I would love to touch base in 2 weeks when I get some tasks off my plate.”
If it’s a personal relationship thats testing your boundaries, you can always start with a positive like above but also remember, it is not your burden to respond kindly to abusive or problematic behavior.
Look around you. Are you in a privileged position either because of race, gender, class, or education (among other things). Take this into account when considering your stance and your ability to leverage your privilege to enforce a boundary. More often than not, you may be speaking up for others who do not have the same privilege with which to do so.