What Is Foreplay When You’re In A Relationship?
Understanding turn ons, turn offs and sexual desire in couples.
One of my favorite Esther Perel quotes is, “foreplay begins the moment your last orgasm has subsided.”
This is a concept that comes up all the time in both couples and individual therapy. For couples looking to improve or bolster their sex life, for individual folks looking to better understand their sexuality, foreplay is a regular topic of conversation.
What is foreplay?
From my experience working with couples and individuals seeking sex therapy, foreplay is popularly understood as all the stuff that happens right before sex.
In my understanding, and to use Perel’s words, foreplay is actually what happens right after your last orgasm. In this way, foreplay is actually an energetic current that exists at all times under your relationship. In reality, every moment within a relationship is an opportunity for foreplay.
Let me add some more color to what that actually means.
(First, let me reassure you that I am in no way expecting you and your partners to play grab-ass 24/7. What I actually mean is that, the way that we relate to our partners on a regular basis is foreplay.)
Turns Ons
Turn ons are largely psychological. For example, I hear often from mothers in heterosexual relationships that they get the most turned on when they watch their male partners playing with their children. Let’s unpack that. Why would that be?
Here’s my guess:
Stress is one of the top extinguishers for sex drive. Folks in relationships with traditional gender roles roles often experience an uneven split in the parenting, with the mother doing the lion’s share of the caregiving. If this is the case in your relationship, it would make sense that you may be overwhelmed and stressed as a mother (because, even if you have a 50/50 co-parent, chances are you’re already stressed to begin with). When you consider that stress = low libido and parenting = stress and then you see your partner engaging with your child in a meaningful way, it’s no wonder that watching your co-partner parent well might = getting turned on.
Turn Offs
Here’s another example, of how the way we relate to each other impacts sex life, only this time, it’s in the negative sense as it relates to “turn offs:”
If you have a partner who criticizes you on a regular basis , that’s going to impact your sense of self and sense of self-worth. One of main underlying reasons why we get turned on is when we feel confident and competent. It’s extremely difficult to feel confident in the bedroom if your relationship environment has you feeling less than or wrong more than half of time. It’s not rocket science why, given your experience, you might not be jonesing to have sex with your partner. Frequent criticisms will take a direct hit to your sexual desire. (Unless, of course you have a shame, humiliation or degradation kink and then that might be *exactly* what you’re looking for. But that’s another topic for another day.)
Let’s say you don’t have that kink. Think about love languages and the inverse of those love languages. How do compliments make you feel? If they make you feel sexy and desired, criticisms and nitpicking are naturally going to make you feel the opposite. If acts of service make you feel cared for and respected, an inequitable division of labor is likely going to make you resentful and less interested in having sex.
The way we relate to one another outside the confines of the bedroom directly impact how or if we relate to each other within the confines of the bedroom.
The prime example I use in therapy is that your partner loading the dishwasher could be a major turn on for you and therefore, part of what is foreplay. 9 times out of 10 when I say that to a heterosexual couple in session, the woman nods emphatically at that sentiment and the man is skeptical. ‘Seriously?’ he says. ‘How does that relate to sex?’
Here’s how:
Sexual Desire
If you have read Come As You Are, you might be familiar with spontaneous sexual desire vs. responsive sexual desire. For the lucky folks who get horny out of the blue, you may be someone who has spontaneous sexual desire. However, if you have responsive sexual desire, that means you need to be physically stimulated in order to get turned on. Another way to say this is spontaneous folks feel mental desire first and then physical. For responsive folks, it’s the other way around. (This may be why one partner in your relationship does more of the initiating of the sex.) Responsive desire is about needing to be seduced. And, to make things even more complicated, what seduces us is completely subjective and often quite uniquely “us.”
Now back to the dishwasher example. If you are someone that gets turned on when your partner helps out around the house because feeling loved is connected to someone supporting you and someone supporting you is tied to your partner helping out, that’s why you might get aroused when that happened vs. getting turned off when you come home and see a ton of dirty dishes in the sink.
If you are someone with spontaneous sexual desire, this might be a lot less meaningful because you are someone who gets mentally horny with little to no stimuli. In essence, you don’t need to be seduced to get aroused and so the concept of foreplay lasting all day may be less imperative or even interesting. That’s not to say it would hurt things, but it’s not an imperative.
The thing to remember here is that no one is wrong or broken here.
We all just need what we need.
I wonder:
How would your sex life change if you thought about foreplay as lasting all day?
What are your turn ons that you’ve previously never thought of as turn ons?
What ways do you get turned off from sex that you haven’t previously connected to sex before?
What is foreplay going to look like for you when you understand each other?
What is ForeplAy Resources For Couples:
Curious about learning more of your turn ons, turn offs, how responsive vs spontaneous your sexual desire is? Take a look at these quizzes, worksheets and activities:
Emily Nagoski’s Sexual Temperament Questionnaire
Emily Nagoski’s Sexual Cues Assessment and Turning Off The Offs worksheets
The chapter on nurturing intimacy from my Couples Therapy Activity Book
Seeking more guidance?
Check out my Couples Therapy Activity Book, filled with evidence-based exercises to help you and your partner connect on a whole new level.
Consider it your go-to guide for building the love and partnership you deserve.
