How To Heal From A Narcissistic Relationship: A Guide
Insights on moving forward from a therapist:
How to Stay Away And Heal After Leaving A Narcissist
Insights on how to heal from a narcissistic relationship Part 2 of 2: read Part 1 here
Anyone who is leaving an abusive situation knows that sometimes the hardest part isn’t leaving, it’s staying away. On average, people in abusive situations take 7 attempts to leave. On top of that, the abuse often becomes most dangerous when the survivor tries to leave which can often lead a survivor to stay, simply to remain with “the devil they know.” Hoovering is the final stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle, tasked with roping the survivor back in so that the cycle that begins with lovebombing can start again. It was named after the Hoover Vaccum, because the pull feels just as powerful, like you are getting sucked up by an invisible force. This stage was the most painful for me to deal with, constantly questioning if I had made the right decision.
Here’s how I stayed away and learned how to heal from a narcissistic relationship:
Learn about narcissistic relationship patterns
Even though I literally specialize in working with survivors of narcissistic abuse, my brain was still too foggy to, on a visceral level, understand how the same man I fell in love with could also be the one harassing me now. After I left, re-educating myself about these dynamics helped, which was imperative in order to reprogram my brain from “I cannot live without this person” to “This person is harmful.” As someone who is a magnet for narcissists due to my particular childhood trauma and adult personality traits (conscientious, highly empathic, agreeable, etc), each time I am confronted with a narcissist whether in my professional or personal life, the path to awareness looks a little different each time, especially if they are covert.
There is a huge difference between understanding these dynamics from an outsider perspective looking in and being in the midst of it. There’s even a difference in understanding them when you’re a child of a narcissistic parent vs a partner of a narcissistic person. Have you ever been in a therapy session and your therapist repeats the same thing to you over and over again and finally, on the 100th time, something clicks? It’s sort of like that when it comes to awareness and ability to make tangible change in these tricky dynamics. We might be aware of the dynamic but still feel powerless to leave. Or, we might have cut off all the narcissistic family members, coworkers and friends but still fall prey to romantic relationships with narcissists. Taking in as much education as I could about the way this specific type of abuse shows up was necessary to reprogram my brain in the very same way that folks who leave cults need to let go of the wonderful illusion of what was created to control you in order to step into what was real.
Go completely no contact
At first, this felt like cutting off a limb, as going no contact is against my natural inclination to communicate openly, honestly and figure it out together with my loved ones. Although I value open and honest communication, this value unfortunately has no place in narcissistic dynamics. Following our break up, I tried multiple times to have productive conversation and I was shut down, told that I had made my decision. As soon as I gave up, the hoovering began in full force. This made it clear: it wasn’t about reconciliation for him — it was about control. Any time I thought about giving in, I reminded myself that while I would have been working to repair and get on the same page, he would have been working to gain back control — two totally different goals. As narcissistic abuse expert, Dr. Ramani says, the narcissist is playing chess while you need to be playing solitaire. If you are coparenting with a narcissistic ex and this isn’t possible, grey and yellow rock method are incredibly helpful and effective. I have used these approaches with other coercive people when no contact is simply not possible. When choosing these pathways, the aim is never to win or control, it is solely to protect your own peace and well being.
Self care and safe people
Surrounding myself with safe people and upping my self care was non-negotiable. This included seeing friends, family, exercising, walking, yoga, getting into nature, going to individual and group therapy, making art, writing, meditating, journaling, planning fun things to do, reading, investing in my business, getting massages, doom scrolling, doing Ketamine Therapy, and watching mindless TV. Self care, in these situations, isnt just a fun thing to do, it is instrumental in building back your sense of self and self-worth outside the relationship. Finding moments of joy in every day, doing things that made me feel like my old self again, slowly but surely, brought me back to life.
Seek Security and legal counsel
Seeking legal counsel and changing my home’s security system. The hoovering stage was the worst for me because I didn’t know how, when or where it would end. My ex contacted me on every online platform imaginable (including this very blog), reached out to my family and even scheduled a therapy session with a colleague of mine, asking her to tell me he had done so. He sent long poems and pictures of me, he wrote on google docs that we had shared when he learned his email was blocked. His attempts were a mix of self deprecating, flowery, provocative and downright strange but all missed one key aspect: true accountability. It was all breadcrumbing — noncommittal and general — nothing that suggested there had been serious reflection and changed behavior. Thankfully, blocking him right after the break up shielded me from what he eventually told me were hundreds of phone calls and text messages he sent over a period of 3 months. During this period, I was confused, depressed and terrified as he seemed to reach out just when I was started to feel like myself again. Thankfully, I was able to get information on filing an order of protection, learned that cyberstalking and harassment is against the law in his state and activated a legal team to support me should the harassment continue. I began to keep a document with all the harassment efforts as well. As upsetting as it was, I finally felt powerful again having armed myself with knowledge and my rights.
Say No and set boundaries
Remembering that it is literally up to me and only me to have my own best interests at heart. If I don’t set my own boundaries around what I will tolerate, no one else will. Although he tried to convince me to stay many times, I continually reminded myself that I have my own best interests, not him. This may seem obvious but, for those of us who struggle to set boundaries even when no narcissism is present, it’s very helpful to remember that we are in charge of our own happiness and well being — no one else is. This requires us to stay no and take a stand because no one else has the capacity to take care of us like we can. Despite loving him deeply and desperately wanting things to be different, holding firm to my boundaries was the ultimately the deepest act of self-love and self-protection.
Let yourself mourn
I allowed myself to love and miss him deeply, for as long as I needed. This is key because we often shame ourselves for missing and yearning for someone so harmful. It doesn’t help that those around us sometimes don’t understand how the hell you could still want to be with someone so damaging. As someone who has experienced that horrible cognitive dissonance (which was, by far, the worst part of the whole experience for me), please know that you are not broken, fucked up, crazy or pathetic for missing your partner - in fact, it signals you are healthier than you realize because you can love and care deeply - something narcissists simply can’t do. And remember — if these partners were assholes 100% of the time, we would never put up with it. It’s in the love bombing and the honeymoon stages of the cycle of abuse that we become addicted because we remember how good it can be, because it was that good. For many of us, we thought we found the love of our life - who wouldn’t want to fight like hell for that? When those loving and yearning feelings come, let them and give yourself the largest dose of self-compassion and kindness you can muster. When you shame yourself for having basic human emotions like love and care, you prolong your pain and stifle your healing. Welcome it all, honey.
Tell your story
I shared my story — to friends, to family, and now, to you. Psychological isolation is debilitating, insidious and sets us up to go back to abusive situations. I didn’t share my story publicly for a while because I knew there was a good chance he’d read this (🙋🏻♀️hieeee). I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable to any sort of retaliation, smear campaigns or more mistreatment. If I’m honest, I also wasn’t ready to dismantle the fantasy of the good times or lose my power by keeping what I know to be true, just for me. In naming my truth, I am saying: I know this is what happened. This is often why people choose grey and yellow rock method, because when they speak their truth, they open themselves up for more manipulation. Their abuser might say, “Wow, you sound NUTS.” Or “Really? Don’t you think you’re making a bigger deal of this then it needs to be?” As long as you keep your truth just for you, no one can mess with it. The cost benefit analysis is helpful here. Knowing that we cannot outsource the work of our soul: how do YOU want to show up in this life? What is most worth it to you? For me, writing is a lifeblood and always has been - it helps me process my experiences and help others in the process. The act of publishing is like a spiritual line in the sand for me, it closes a chapter so I can start a new one. Heal however you need to but do not keep what you experienced a secret.
Take note and reflect
I created a list of all the times I felt unseen, mistreated and disrespected by him to reread when feeling withdrawal during no contact in the hoovering stage. We always say: hindsight is 20/20 and, as I started to heal, I started to make note of all the tiny, almost imperceptible times things felt just…off. It’s hard to take note of those times when they’re occurring because, as Dr. Ramani notes, lovebombing is like the sun shining directly into your eyes as you’re trying to drive: it’s very hard to see where you’re going. Every time I wanted reach out to him, or, to use an addiction metaphor, wanted a hit, I read that list and reminded myself all the parts of him and my relationship that were not okay. This helped with that pesky euphoric recall that often occurs post break up for anyone but times 1000 for anyone leaving psychologically abusive situations. These lists also help with the self-gaslighting that comes along with being abused by covert and communal narcissism because, part of the abuse strategy includes maintaining a well-liked persona in their community. These personas are so powerful that, as the victim, you question yourself. How can I be having such a different experience than everyone else around him who loves him? My ex is a beloved member of his community - respected and adored by kids and adults alike. Part of what makes this type of abuse so crazy-making is the mask they wear so well. (Quick PSA: The next time someone is labeled as abusive but you have had only positive experiences with them, please consider this.)
How to heal from a narcissistic relationship
Understand your wounds and triggers
It has been so important to understand why I was susceptible to narcissistic abuse without blaming myself so I could take ownership over my part and look out for red flags the next time:
My childhood trauma included a plethora of narcissistic abuse and abandonment and for better or for worse. I believe that life confronts us with the same type of relationship over and over again until we heal that particular childhood wound. I healed from so many wounds in this relationship but especially the one where I continually allow actions to not match words because I trusted in the good of his word and in the good of relationships to be workable, especially when there’s so much good stuff there. It has been the hardest lesson of my life to consider that self-awareness is not everything and a willingness to change is only going to cut it when it is backed up with consistent behavioral evidence.
He mirrored the qualities I like about myself, intentionally or unintentionally. When I thought about how much I missed him, these were all qualities that I inhabited myself. It was a game changer for me to realize I could give to myself instead of seeking from him. He also mirrored my traumas, using our similarities during the love bombing phase to create a hazy climate of “Where have you been all this time?! I cant believe we have so much in common!” I had to continually remind myself that despite us having similar upbringings, preferences and personalities, these similarities couldnt be weighted more heavily than my feelings of mistreatment.
He filled in the gaps of what I hadn’t gotten before in romantic partnerships so by the time I met him, I was starving for certain relationship qualities that he exhibited, or at least pretended to exhibit. Because I met him in a place of deep need, I was extra vulnerable for ultimate mistreatment. This led me to cross some of my own boundaries early on that I otherwise wouldn’t have because I was coming from a place of desperation and neglect, instead of stability and abundance.
He was charming, charismatic and we had great chemistry. Good chemistry is the most important yellow light that tells you to slow down in relationships. Jillian Turecki, relationship coach, notes that we are at greatest risk of disrespecting our own boundaries when we’re strongly attracted to our partner. This is absolutely my experience. I have been confronted with similar relationships in that past that were way easier to walk away from because the good stuff simply wasn’t as good. Chemistry feels wonderful — it feels like an extremely powerful drug but, just like lovebombing, it can blind us to other parts of our partners that we might be minimizing just because the good stuff feels so good.
If you are day 1, day 500 or anywhere else along your road to healing, I am cheering you on so hard. I am in awe of you and your strength, I know there is a brighter day out there for us all. Reach out if need support leaving, staying away or making sense of it all.
Want more guidance?
Preorder my upcoming book Healing Relational Trauma here.
This gentle guide offers an evidence-based approach to help you move past relational trauma and pain so you can achieve the love and connection you deserve.
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Read part 1 of this story on recognizing and leaving a narcissistic relationship:
